We're taking bets that someone needs a stern talking to...

Open Letter to the Panda Biter

Dear Mr. Panda Biter,

I needed to send you a note explaining my displeasure in your actions. I actually am surprised that you are even alive. If you had not survived I am pretty sure that I would have applauded Gu Gu for his actions.

I understand that you were enthralled by the beauty of the panda. It looks like a cuddly bear that would want to be touched, but then it does have this enormous enclosure around it attempting to prevent people from doing it. You stated that you were, "so dizzy from the beer." As someone who works with college students I have heard that excuse in many forms and a ton of crazy things have occurred with them. All of these students were between the ages of 17 and 25 and you are 35 years old. Didn't you learn at some point that the older you get the less funny drunken behavior is to others?

By the way, what the hell were you doing at a zoo drunk?!? You might want to try and find other places to be drunk like strip clubs, work, or even a child's birthday party, but not the zoo. Zoos are for school field trips, sober people and creepy guys who like to flash others (Because the "Do you wanna see my monkey" joke never gets old).

I also would like to touch upon the fact that you bit Gu Gu back after he bit you. Do you have razor sharp teeth that could kill an animal? Was that the most effective way to deal with this situation? First and foremost I probably would have ran or at the very least gone with the tickle technique as it is a little known fact that panda's are very ticklish. I mean the zookeeper was able to get her away from you with a few sprays of water. Cats hate that too just in case you feel like petting one of them and they bite you too.

Mr Panda Biter please do me one favor. The next time you are drunk please go play in traffic. Cars get along with people very well and love to be chased. When you catch them they enjoy a good petting and they will not bite. Just remember that they can be very fast and forget their own strength. I am sure you will have a great time. I also think you should talk to Roy from Sigfried and Roy fame. He might be able to give you some insight about wild animals. Have a nice day.