Before anyone starts reading this is not an attempt for anyone to feel sorry for me. It is merely just me getting some words out so that I can start 2005 on a good note. So here it goes...
I spent New Years Eve with all of my friends tonight. Alright I spent it by myself working at the Brewery celebrating with hundreds of people that I didn't know. I shook more hands and was told Happy New Years more than ever before. I realize that I have put myself into a strange hole in my life and I am not sure if there is any way that I will get out.
I work a job that I love at UMass Lowell, but many of the people are either my colleagues or students and not my friends. (There are some exceptions.) I spend hours avoiding a "real job" and getting my degree because I am afraid I won't enjoy something else. People just don't understand what it is to be the "RD". Every "RD" has a different experience and even we have a tough time relating to each other. We do way too much and never really ask for thank yous. We give even when we think we have no more to give. It's okay though, because it is the job we chose and I really love it.
This job has ruined some of my best relationships. From Kathi(ex-fiancee though it never would have worked. Thankfully she saw that.) to Barbara(shoulda been fiancee, but I screwed up way too many times to ever be trusted again. Plus we fought way too much) to tons of friends (Renee, Brian, Kelly, Diane, etc). The job may leave me single for a long long time. (Adding 40 pounds this semester doesn't help. Ever notice that no one tells you that you look awful even though you know you do? Not even a "Is something wrong Greg?") I do know that I actually am an average looking guy when you can't see my enormous second chin and large belly. Remember being a "nice guy" only counts for so much. Though I have decided that this year I am going to stop fucking around with my weight, because I am not ready to die yet and that will come soon if I don't stop.
Life just seems to be passing me by. It doesn't help that I realize that I may have missed my chance to be with my soulmate. Who that is I am not quite sure, but I keep getting that feeling that I either blew it or didn't realize that she was there and moved on to someone else. I keep getting older and I don't see the Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da for me. It is sad when I take so much joy in another's child especially GW & Melody's Eliza. Though I probably could listen to little kid stories all day and be happy.
I keep alienating my friends and family. If my sister didn't know what I looked like we probably would never talk. I speak to my best friend once a month if we are lucky. I have been a jerk to some of my other friends. Especially Dan, but I never know what to say so I just do nothing and don't call. Spending time alone has actually become more of the norm than it should be, but I don't reach out. It is sad how confusing I actually am and I am not sure about myself. Insomnia and over thinking are a real bad combination.
Enough of the PITY PARTY for Greg!!! 2005 is going to be a good year for me. Why? Because I fucking say it is going to be and I determine that better than anyone. I hope everyone is sleeping well and wakes up tomorrow with a smile on their face. I do feel a ton better.
HAVE A GREAT 2005 EVERYONE!!! I LOVE YA ALL!!!
3 comments:
HEY Snap out of that shit Greg! Its Kerver, ha you thought you were rid of me!! Actually I hope I left a lasting impact on that staff!! Seriously here is my advice and it has worked for me for years. Go do what you want and never discount whether you can do it or not. Just start it and work it until you are too far along to turn back. You want to loose weight! Here is my challege to you. Do 30 min of cardio for 5 straight days to start off and email me what you did and the distances: Mike_Kerver@yahoo.com and I will send you something for the next week.
As far the friends thing. In every good group of friends there is one guy that glues them together. Its nature for life to get in the way of maintaining good relationships with your friends. I like to be that glue. To me success in life is all about the friends you make that will always be willing to help you. Not the car you drive or house you own. If you genuinely care for the people you come in contact with you will find yourself with more and more good friends! Thats the way you have to treat the people you really trust and care about. Man send chritmas cards and thank you cards to your friends and those that help you and you will love the response. And never stop talking to your best friends, thats crazy!! Hey I have written a website and still plan vacations with my friends even though I am 1300 miles away! I even make an effort to call all of them once a month. Hey I have had plenty of tough times. I had an entire year where I worked 70+ hours a week at 3 jobs and never talked to my friends. In addition that year I lost $5000 buying options in the stock market and lost $1700 gambling on sports! And even managed to crash two cars that year. I thought for sure I would die that year, I even chased away a great girl. (then looked what happened I ended up with Nikki, who was def not for me) After that year was over I made a change to what I thought was important to me. Now I am very happy with where I am!
So I hope that I am relating a little bit with you and not being to coarse, but thats how I am. You said 2005 will be better, then you'd better make it better cause ain't no one gonna do it for you. If you love being an RD and it makes you happy than you don't need another job, serious, gotta do what you like.
So take your sulking head out of your ass, toughen up, and change your outlook on life when you wake up in the morning and write me or something. Whats going on with UML How about those Sox! I sent a card to you guys that has all my info on it, did you guys get it? Talk later
I think that you would be surprised to know how many people feel exactly as you do. I every day I wonder why I let life pass me by and why I am not happier where I am and with what I have. Every day I find myself being way busier than I can handle just so that I can think as little as possible. I completely agree, insomnia and over thinking are a deadly combination.
As far as finding you soul mate, my mother met hers at the age of 40 after spending fifteen years being miserable. And now she couldnt be happier. So dont give up, there really is someone out there for everyone and sometimes it just takes a little longer. And you arent old, you crazy bastard.
Anyway, cheer up we all love you to pieces. You are amazing at your job and you have more friends than you think. Good things come to those who wait, and good things happen to good people. And you are good people.
-Lindsay
YO...I have a few things to offer to try to help you feel better. First being my ear, I have borrowed yours many a time, I am ready to return the favor whenever you need it, believe me when I say that talking about what you think about makes it easier to deal with. Second, you need to teach me to play raquetball and i'll be at the gym alot next semester so if you wanna give me a few morning lessons i'm in. Third, if you think there is someone you passed on that you could have a good thing with, contact that person and put it all out there the worst that can happen is you find out they don't feel the same and you can start to move on.
I'm feeling the same way, but I try to keep myself positive, which gets harder and harder everyday. I see people younger than me happily in love and having children and i'm shocked at how envious I am, but at the same time I have to tell myself that if I can be as happy as them someday it will be worth all waiting, crying and pain. I actually believe my person is out there and honeslty thats 50% of what gets me out of bed everday. Believe Greg your 1 and only is waiting for you too.
Lastly, I know you love your job, but you need time away from everyone, you need to starting being really selfish, which is I know is not your nature, but you have to do it. 2005 may not be THE year, but it can be the first step to getting there (hope that makes sense)
Happy New Year!!
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